It happens; you spend time with someone only to discover that you have lost interest, or they are not aligned with your values. It’s time to walk away. Irrespective of your reasons, it’s important to do this in a dignified and respectful manner to maintain your integrity as a classy and decent human being.
Unfortunately, in today’s online culture, people have become cowardly and have adopted the low-class behaviour of ghosting, fading, and breadcrumbing.
Ghosting is characterised by someone suddenly going no contact without so much as an explanation. They may block you, refuse to read your texts, or read your texts without responding. This leaves you wondering what went wrong, never giving any sort of closure.
Fading is characterised by someone who initially had good and enthusiastic interest gradually becoming less and less available physically, emotionally, and online. They let it fizzle out, leaving you wondering what you did wrong.
Breadcrumbing is when someone begins to fade, but still leads you on, occasionally giving you just enough interest to keep your hopes up, even though they have no intention of becoming romantically involved with you.
All these termination styles are detrimental to the recipient, especially if they have invested themselves or felt like things were going well. It creates anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It is a deliberate act of hurtfulness. Anyone with a modicum of decency will end things without causing harm.
How to end it:
Always bear in mind that it is most likely going to hurt to receive this news. Be mindful of this by being gentle and respectful. If you have met up only a few times and it’s been less than a month, ending it via text is acceptable. However, if it has been more than a month, if you have spent a fair amount of time together, or had many telephonic conversations, then ending it though a phone call is the respectful thing to do. If you have been physically intimate, ending it in person would be better.
You don’t need to go into any detail. You do, however, need to make it clear that you do not wish for further contact. At the very least thank the person for their time, state that you do not feel you have sufficient common ground to continue, or that you feel like you’re not a good fit. In the case of having been intimate, give them gentle closure. Then wish them well.
Why you need to do it.
Not ending contact properly when you are no longer interested is not only disrespectful but harmful and downright toxic. The longer you have been in contact, the more intimate you have been, the more harmful the effects. It’s a passive aggressive act of cruelty. It can leave the recipient feeling confused and hurt, create long-term anxiety and trust issues, and leave them without any closure. It’s disrespectful. Do not waste someone’s time, play with their feelings, or string them along for your entertainment.
Furthermore, this behaviour does not speak well of you. It reflects low calibre and cowardice, and in the case of ghosting, it reflects maliciousness and toxicity.
What if you are on the receiving end?
If your person of interest has respectfully ended your contact, respond with dignity, and accept their decision. Thank them for letting you know, and if the situation warrants it, you may ask for further understanding and closure.
You may feel hurt, but chasing after someone who does not want to be with you is only going to make you feel worse. Trying to insist the contact must continue or resorting to clingy behaviour is not only undermining your own worth, but it can also potentially lead to you being blocked or ignored. This is not the same as being ghosted. You are disrespecting their choice by forcing yourself into their space and this warrants you being blocked.
In conclusion
Always be respectful, irrespective of if you are the one ending it or being broken up with. In the latter case, you may be feeling hurt, used, confused, or disillusioned and you may need to seek help to resolve these feelings.
If you have been ghosted by a fellow HCS member, please do let us know, as this is not the calibre of individual we want on our guest list nor the culture we wish to uphold.